SCREEN IT! PARENTAL REVIEW: STEP BROTHERS
Step Brothers Script taken from a transcript of the screenplay and/or the Will Ferrell movie. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me Robert. Robin. Actually, Brennan is a really talented person. He's a very gifted singer .. That's why our parents met, so this idea could happen. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in Step Brothers. John C. Reilly The story: Sprightly somethings Robert Doback (Richard Jenkins) and Nancy Huff (Mary Steenburgen) meet at a medical conference and instantly fall in lust. When Nancy and Robert meet at a medical convention and instantly fall in love, that leads to their wedding and her moving into his house.
About the latter, Alice tells Dale that she's going to pleasure herself tonight to the thought of that. She then says she wishes she could roll Dale up into a ball and put him up her vagina, adding that it's warm and cozy, and talks of feeling him up there. She then does exaggerated kissing on his face, but he's mostly passive and in shock.
Comparing their likes and dislikes, Brennan and Dale agree that their favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to is Good Housekeeping. Brennan and Dale urinate together, having a "sword fight" with their urine streams that we see.
We then see both holding up tape measures, presumably comparing the lengths of their penises which are not seen. About someone on TV, Dale states, "She's hot. About Dale's job idea for them, Brennan states, "I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis. She does lots of thrusting there's no nudity, with both standing and screaming, while he says something is going to happen and then has an orgasm.
She then walks over to the urinal in the men's room, spreads her legs with one up against the wall, and urinates we don't see the stream or any nudity. Dale tells a prospective employer that he'll take any job as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies. We were so close. So, what do we do for jobs?
Is your dad really gonna kick us out? Listen, don't worry about my dad. Got him sewn up. We've gotta start thinking bigger, though, Brennan. Listen, what are you really good at? I'm a world-class singer. Right there, that's an amazing skill. Now, what am I good at? I can shred on the drums and I'm a marketing wiz. Put all that together, what do you get?
The biggest and the best. And we're gonna call it Prestige Worldwide. That sounds so cool. I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis. This is why we met.
That's why our parents met, so this idea could happen. And we hit the beat laboratory right now. What time is it? We should go this way. But that's 45 minutes. You're gonna shame me into doing this. Oh, God, there they are. Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?
Long time, no see. Is that your boyfriend? Is that your butt buddy? Gardocki, just leave me alone, will you? You guys just go back and have fun on your jungle gym, okay? Does butt buddy have a name? If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name. If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay?
So maybe you don't go down that way anymore. Maybe you go the long way home. That's what we talked about. We'll take the long way home. You know in that one scene in The Wizard of Oz That's what it was like. Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?
Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart. You just couldn't hold it, or you?
I thought it was gonna be silent. Just kept going, and it made a sound. So listen, Bobby, I'll get those keys made tomorrow Looks like your free ride's over, huh?
Have fun living on the streets. Good chatting, you guys. What was he doing here? We're putting the house on the market. Nancy and I are retiring We are living the dream. Well, what about us? This is the exciting part: We're going to put enough money in your accounts What's this all about? More than just money, we're gonna get you another kind of support as well.
You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. We're not going on the boat Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy? Look, I know this seems really, really sudden I got a bellyful of white dog crap in me It's time you started acting like adults. I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you. Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Have a great time! Hey, what's up, Derek?
I'm sitting here thinking we finally got a family together here They don't get that this lifestyle is a choice. And all they think about is that stupid boat. I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she is of age, I'm putting her in a home. We have got to get Prestige Worldwide going.
It's the thing that's gonna save this family. I was thinking we should have a investor presentation We gotta start with some capital somewhere.
Here's the thing, though: If we're gonna start a huge multinational corporation I have to hear you sing. Can't you just trust that I'm a really, really good singer? Just one song, so I know what your voice sounds like. I'll just do it. I'll just dive into it and just start singing. Jesus, my heart is beating so fast right now. Okay, just do it. You know, I don't know. I didn't sing too loud, because I don't wanna wake up Robert and Nancy. I've had a sore throat for a month and a half.
And this is not an acoustic environment that's suitable You gotta know, I'm not just some guy. Brennan, that is the voice of an angel. Brennan, I can't even make eye contact with you right now.
Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
On Set Interview – Richard Jenkins, Mary Steenburgen and Writer/Director Adam McKay – STEP BROTHERS
Why can't you do that in front of people? Are you messing with me right now? I felt like I was hovering above my own body Now, let's move on to other business. First thing tomorrow, we gotta get cracking on this investor presentation. And guess what else.
This just came to me. What do we do about Derek and the house? Don't worry about him. Oh, it's a great "nabe. Right down the block. I'm getting a really good feeling about this. I am so glad. You get us that year interest-only loan, we got a deal. Welcome to the neighborhood! You guys ever need fertilizer, I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons. You're gonna love this neighborhood. Every single house here recycles. Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.
Dale, I don't know how much you know about therapy I work at a college as a janitor Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting. My best friend is Ben Affleck So I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce.
How old were you when they got divorced? And I will take that as a feeling that you have It's more than comfortability. I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now. In no way, shape or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you You got a really dope front lawn here.
You and your homeboys can play on that. No, that's how I talk. Oh, you got a really fresh entryway here. Will you vultures please give us some privacy? He just died last night. What is going on here? It was the asbestos in here, that's what did it! I've seen too many dead bodies. Okay, who's this from? Where are the rest of my gifts, dude?
Totally joking around, TJ. Hi, my name is Jim. Wanna suck my dick for money? This is the men's bathroom. Listen, I'm sick of being all coy and bashful, Dale. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on. Something's gonna happen, Alice!
Oh, we just had sex. Say hello to my little friend. Shut the fuck up! And then we'll drop the hammer. What were Dale and Brennan doing with my video camera, do you know?
I have no idea. And frankly, I really don't care. I would like to say a few things. Derek, you are an outstanding young man, son. And I would like say that this is the image I have: That sometimes when I'm making love to your mother and I realize that You got a lot of this, buddy. And you got a lot of these.Step Brothers, funny scene
Everyone, if I could have your attention, please. For those of you who don't know me I'm Robert's other son, the biological one. Probably wondering why we gathered you here tonight We got a special surprise for you, Derek, and everybody here Prestige Worldwide, wide, wide, wide. Putting in the man-hours to study the science of what you need.
Last week we put Liquid Paper on a bee Pay close attention, Dad. It's gonna look familiar. What are you doing on my boat? I gotta have me my boats and ho's Deadliest Catch without the crabs We're almost out of gas Call the Arabs Pull up the anchor 'Cause we're leaving dry land Get below deck With a dick in your hand Boats and ho's Boats and ho's I gotta have me my boats and ho's Are you ready for some world-class vocalization? Aside from the damage to the boat, which we will fix Brennan, I think that what you did to Robert's boat was horrid.
Having said that, I think that both of you boys You gotta be kidding me. They destroyed our dream and you're calling it inventive. I didn't mean it like that. Come on, you did.
It's gonna be four years, at least, before we can sail anywhere. But, you know, I do think that you could show You've been very cold and unsupportive of our dreams.
- Step Brothers (film)
You wrecked my fucking boat, you goon! Don't speak to my son like that. We could bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. I can't believe you're being so stingy. And you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck! You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass Somebody should've done this a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it. There are consequences for your actions. Wow, the tree looks great, Nancy.
That's a very nice sweater you're wearing. It was my mom's. I took the shoulder pads out. Would it be cool if Brennan and I opened just one present each I'm gonna go down to the Cheesecake Factory, have a drink. But it's Christmas Eve. I had my eye on one. I hope it's what I think it is. Wait, Dale got Hulk Hands? Well, you reek of Scotch and cheesecake.
Nancy, I don't know if I can ever forgive them for wrecking my boat. You're giving up on our boys. I don't care how old they are. They're still our children. Well, sometime it's got to matter how old they are.
That's all we do, is You know, they'll go back to bed. See, back to bed. I'm gonna wake them up. Why would you do such a thing? But they could do real harm to themselves or others. They might do real harm to themselves or others. I mean, I was driving around with a buddy of mine, Topher. You guys remember Topher, right?
Driving around, he has this brand-new Testarossa, right? We hit this four-point buck. Lying in the road. Long story short, we sue the state of Michigan. I end up getting G's.
You know what I spent that money on? Sniper rifle to hunt deer. Either way, the deers lose, my friends. Eat all the damn flowers, anyway. If you'll excuse me I think I'm going to go into the other room to check my hair.
If you'll excuse my space-cadet wife here. Let's just say the meds aren't helping. But not at all. I have to get some more gravy. I have to get some more bread. What did I do to deserve that? What do any of us do to deserve anything? I pay enough taxes to support all these lazy goddamn liberals. I couldn't eat another bite of turkey without thinking of you inside of me.
Come on, let's try something illegal. So, Tommy, what did you get for Christmas? Wanna know what I got for Christmas? You know this song. What is that noise? This is the ghost. Are you all still talking in here? Alice was moving a chair from the living room into the dining room And I just did the best thing, which is get right on the muscles Just add some heat to it. Damn it, Dale, sit down. It's just a real deep, tight muscle.
Hey, sweetie, can you grab me a beer? And how about you, Tiffany, what did you get for Christmas? I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace. But next year I'm gonna ask Santa for breast implants Wanna know what I got?
Step Brothers: "Oh, Grow Up!" "Never!" - TIME
You mentioned that earlier. It's gone into a real bad spasm, so I put a yoga move on her.
So I put my lips around that breathalyzer I think that was the year. I have to interrupt you. Robert, while the children are in the living room I think this would be a good time to make our announcement.
I'm gonna be moving in with my friend Jack Handle What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce. The main thing that Robert and I talked about You destroyed my boat. You beat me up in your sleep They're the world's biggest dickheads, and they're living in your house. Please don't cry like that.
I told you that they would feel completely to blame. I'm gonna throw it up. Oh, this is ugly. Good luck, and remember, I need you out of this house by tomorrow. If there's anything you need, anything that you boys need I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house. Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.
Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are. You must feel just terrible. But I can't imagine how you feel That's funny, because my mom said: You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land. You refuse to get a job You don't take responsibility for your actions. This is all your fault! Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public!
Run away, little boy, because you know it's true. Get up, Brennan, I know you're faking. It's just like Cold Case Files. People die every day. Give him a proper burial in an unmarked grave I saw you die! I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down. Let the dirt just shower over you. This is your fault.
I'm gonna sleep good tonight. Get off me, zombie. I'm late for school. I will kiss you right on the mouth, Kenny Rogers. So I guess it's really over.
I'd say you trying to bury me alive pretty much did it. You know what I just realized? You've been the one dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna get a job and an apartment I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it. My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had a perfect setup, and you wrecked it. We're no longer brothers. Well, well, well, look who's here, boys.
Can you give me a job, please? TJ, get an office pool going. Give Ken-Doll Crotch here two weeks, tops. Angel Face, I just wanted to say thank you I'm very alone right now, and the thing I wanna ask you to help me To show me how I can be a grown-up. Do I carry my high-school diploma around? What do you do with your hair? What happens if there's inclement weather? What do you wear? Can you wash clothes in the dishwasher? I notice that there's a long gap in your job history I'm gonna be honest with you.
I really need a job. And I will take any position, as long as it doesn't involve There's a catering business, there's a temp job open. And you get to play with fire. What do you want? This is my online-poker time. I'm ready to take on the Catalina Wine Mixer. Slow down there, Speed Racer.
But much of the raillery in Step Brothers seems lazy or desperate. And I'll take the comedy stylings of Jon Heder over Reilly's drabber improvisations any day. Finally, Ferrell, the Hollywood star most notorious for going naked in his movies, shows off only his belly, and that for a teasing second. For most of the rest of the time, you'll be reveling in, or enduring, one more exhibition of grown men playing children, of idiots destroying things. Misfits Fit The story: The catch is that each of the newlyweds has a wayward, layabout son who's near Seemingly deficient in intelligence, and lacking the most rudimentary of social skills, Dale and Brennan feel hate at first sight as quickly as their parents found love.